There I was, standing at the edge of the temple looking out over the water into the distance. As I watched people climb the long staircase to the top, I see their faces glowing in ease, gratitude, and happiness. They carry offerings, herbs, oils, and gifts, placing them inside the temple. They settle into a circle like formation around a huge burning bonfire as the flames reach up high towards the sky above.
I’m attending the horizon. Watching the sun set in the distance, feeling a wave of warmth and overwhelming love come over me as the sun sets. I stand with purpose, with presence of every fiber of my being. I’ve never felt so alive and in love. A gentle smile graces my face and then I feel Her. The night sky starts to usher in. As I look up, I see Her sweep the sky with inky indigo darkness and bright shining stars. We smile at each other, like old friends do, because we are. It’s time. Her entrance is my beginning and I look up seeing the full moon glowing, an iridescent glow illuminating the pool of water at the center of the temple below.
Everyone is quietly waiting in anticipation and so am I. I start chanting ancient words and ancient sounds. I raise my hands towards the moon calling down her power and feel Her descent upon me like a giant beam of light flooding down. As I turn my head upwards into her light and feel my heart open, I start to feel a lightness and then suddenly I’m different. I am...a beautiful blue butterfly, and the temple goers delight in the miracle that has taken place. I am there to show them what is possible, to unveil the mysteries behind the reality. As the scene plays out, my body twitches in remembrance, and my cells vibrate with energy. Sitting in my now passed grandmother’s bedroom ahead of her funeral I am in awe of what I am witnessing and experiencing. I am experiencing a past life.
It’s one of the most pivotal past lives of my many lives. One of many I've experienced, but this one was different. This one was BIG.
I served as a priestess of the Goddess ISIS, guiding rituals, conducting deep healing, bridging the unknown and unseen. Keeper of mysteries, I performed astounding magic and miracles. My jaw is on the floor.
I think "I want to be her...and strangely...I am her."
She’s my heroine. Confident, independent, powerful, and deeply guided by love for her community. As the ritual ends I see a large cue form in front of me as men and women of all ages line up to receive blessings and healings. With oils, herbs, water, the healing of my hands, and the ancient magic words that bless my lips, I heal physical, emotional, and mental ailments. At the end of the night I’m alone in the temple, the fire still burning and I feel like my heart might burst from beauty I’ve witnessed and channeled. Everything feels right like I've never known, seen, or felt in this current lifetime.
Then life jumps forward. This past life ends painfully...in jail. For decades… At this point, under the crushing weight of what has happened I eventually wear out and disconnect from my power. Until, the final days of my life I live this small jail cell spending all hours completely alone. This is the first time I experience confusion, anger, fear, and the constrictions of a human existence in this past life and I find it...crushing. I scream, cry, wail, and stare into the sky asking the Divine why this has happened.
Reliving a past life in a waking state is a wild experience. As if you are simultaneously in two places at the same time because...you are. Time, space, lives, dimensions, are not linear and neither is the experience of them.
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This past life was no exception. It felt more real...than present day “reality.” As I both experienced and witnessed the scenes unfold, I am dumbfounded by how powerful, connected, and assured I feel. I feel like a clear pool of water, without obstructions, flowing through my being without the everyday doubt, hesitation, fears, and internal criticisms that plague me at times in this present life.
This version of myself, this priestess, is fucking kick ass. And I yearn to be her now. But I am. I’ve just...forgotten.
As I move through the end of that life I experience waves of grief for the way things end. It’s heavy. I feel the ache in my heart and I start to cry. I cry, sob, and ache for how I came up against patriarchal leadership in that day and how it took me down. For what feels lost. How I was imprisoned for decades and how the magic I and my community created was forgotten over time. How the temple that I led was overgrown with vines and dust during the final days of my life when I was finally released. How people were so easily distracted with the material world forgetting their spiritual nature and connection. And how for the first time in that life time, I felt the pangs of wondering what had gone wrong.
I take care in this moment to let the emotions run over, through, and within me. And then, I go back in to heal the wounds that have remained open, aching, and hardened for thousands...maybe eons. I see the pattern of pushing hard against patriarchy and the many lives where my power resulted in torture, imprisonment, and my own death. Over and over again. I recall my priestess self into the cells of my body and I commit to complete the work we originally set out to do. I'm here now. I know her now. Times are different. And how I use my power to push against the patriarchy will be different this time. I finally know that I am more powerful than I could have ever imagined.
Most big hearted sensitive soul women I know on a spiritual path have this kind of a past life story.
Lives where we were powerful AND we knew it.
Where we healed our communities with ease. Where we heralded mind altering wisdom that helped everyone see clearly. Where we stirred awakening and heralded a different reality. Life this time around, despite the modern trappings and ease of shelter feels...really fucking hard.
Life feels small, limiting, and….lost. It’s confusing and perplexing when you can’t put your finger on why everything feels so out of place and why you...are missing something very big. Where we feel the push, the weight, the purpose of work unfinished and yet may not know exactly what the big work we came here to do...is.
I felt these pangs of yearning for years when I worked in my government job. The soul ache that I was meant for something different and unable to put my finger on. The sobs I cried as a teenager under the weight of a mission I felt I was charged with and couldn’t quite unravel. Most of my friends along the way couldn’t understand or empathize, finding these bouts of intense internal pressure perplexing.
The very bigness we are missing is and ache for is in fact the immense power inside our very own selves.
The ancient records held in our womb space, our hearts, and our cells long forgotten and ignored. The Knowing that we Know and talk ourselves out of trusting.
It’s NOT that we need to learn how to connect with our power for the first time. Rather, the more painful reality that we previously stood fully in our power and then...forgot it over time. That shit is painful.
Out of body, in our heads, doubtful, and seeking validation is a way of being for most women in the modern day.
We’re lost and confused because our souls know we have done great things for humanity and yet...this time around we’ve reincarnated in a way that feels really fucking small when we are really fucking huge. We feel unseen, unimportant, and unacknowledged. And yet, we’re not quite sure what for...yet.
I don’t mean in an egoic way. I mean in an infinite soul kinda way that we all are. We are all so much more powerful, infinite, and expansive than we think. Those of us who have tapped into this infinity fully in past lives and somehow lost it feel very confused. It’s like traveling through time backwards...forward.
Throughout our lifetimes we got disconnected from who we truly are. We became fragmented along the way. For old souls like this, religious and spiritual doctrine can’t describe the complexity of our actual lived experience. For we feel the depth and infinity in our soul AND it remains a few steps away. Just beyond the words spoken and written on pages.
Despite knowing our infinity we still struggle to embody it, doubt it...distrust it, and forget who we are countless, hundreds, thousands of times. It’s like a self-cutting spiritual practice over and over again.
It feels easier to cut ourselves down with doubt and distrust rather than to feel the weight of the reality that we once were uninhibited and over time constructed self-created prisons.
I don’t know how many of us here are old souls and have done this hundreds, thousands, maybe millions of times before. I just know that there are a lot of us here incarnated now and it feels really confusing. Every week, a new secretly powerful woman walks through my client practice perplexed by why she feels so disconnected from herself, like she is living someone else’s life, and unable to put her finger on what something else would be. Or why it's so hard to move a big vision she has for her purpose forward.
They know. I know. We know. We are, we’ve lived...something different. Something greater. Our fullness. Our wholeness.
These are the feels of the present moment. With many planets in retrograde, a full moon and lunar eclipse on Friday, the cosmic shaking of the trees are here to wake us up. To alchemize what is ready to be felt, seen, known, and let go of in service of what wants to come in. She, that powerful being inside of you, wants to come out. And oh woman, is she needed!