I melted down and cracked open this weekend. Finally touching into a deep well of grief that has been just out of my reach for weeks. I first touched its depth in a recent session with my mentor and therapist. Ah, there it is...a very heavy feeling I never felt and was carrying for decades.
I’ve developed strong skills over the years to discover and process heavy…big feelings. These abilities have been challenged even further over the last six months as I’ve embarked on a phase of healing that is calling more courage and bravery than I’ve ever exercised before.
It all started about two years ago. As I laid down relaxing, taking in the sounds of singing bowls at a sound meditation, one of my spirit guides showed up. A few months earlier I was introduced to a large circle of my guides and he, a hermit-like figure hung out on the edge of the circle.
In some ways I was nervous about him because he was so mysterious. He didn’t have direct conversations with me like other guides. Instead, he seemed to hang out in the shadows and just…be there.
As my body and mind took in the vibrational sounds of the singing bowls, my cloaked hermit led me down a stairway to a basement that felt quite eerie. Could I trust this I wondered? Feeling a strong “yes” in my body, I gave permission for the images to keep unfolding.
As he beckoned me to open a door, I walked through the doorway and a flash of light blinded my view. Then whoosh, there I was facing a long forgotten memory hidden in the depths of my being.
The memory was difficult, painful, shocking, and traumatic. You know the moments people speak about in near death experiences where their entire lives flash before their eyes? This moment felt like that.
Suddenly, my whole life made sense. In a single flash of a memory once lost, I finally got confirmation that the skeleton that I always intuitively knew was there was actually...living, breathing, there and wanting my attention. I had survived...sexual abuse.
The memory was a lot to take in. At the time, consciously or unconsciously, I set it aside. Not quite feeling ready to be with what had come up.
A few months later at another sound meditation, the vibrations of the singing bowls moving through my ears and body, he appeared again. The hermit guide asking me to follow him again. This time I hesitated. Knowing that last time I wasn’t expecting him to recover a memory of sexual trauma. I paused. And as I paused, I felt the loving presence of other members of my spirit guide team. As if to gently encourage me, I knew some greater process was underway. So I let go and trusted.
Another traumatic memory came through.
By now, given my education, training, and own experience supporting others through their healing, I knew these memories were real. And yet, I still didn’t feel ready to be with them. So I “shelved” them until they came back to visit this Fall through a series of synchronicities. Finally, I knew I was ready to hold what wanted to be seen, felt, and known from this difficult past.
Over the months, I moved through deep layers of feeling. Shock, anger, intense fear, anxiety, deep sadness, and grief and back again. My latest layer of feeling in this spiralic process was another layer of grief. However, unlike other waves of feelings that felt “easier” to access and create space for, this grief remained behind some barrier that I couldn’t quite seem to soften despite some work on my own and 1:1 with my therapist.
Then in a morning meditation last week I felt prompted to tune into my latest spirit guide team. As my latest team showed up, they walked me towards what appeared to be the planet Jupiter. This made sense to me since I have been developing a connection with Him. As we stood at the edge of a horizon, an old man approached me. In my mind I connected the dots and thought that the spirit of Jupiter was approaching.
Thinking I knew the obvious, I was stunned when the man that appeared and sat down on a bench next to me was...my deceased grandfather.
I hadn’t seen him since last April when my grandmother transitioned to the other side. He was my guide and teacher in that process to help her cross over. If you missed it, you can read about it HERE.
To my greater surprise was to see that bending over and leaning onto the bench next to him was...my deceased grandmother. I still hadn’t seen her face on the other side since she transitioned. I simply had a sign that she had transitioned, like a cosmic wink to say “thanks I made it to the other side and all is well.” And then…that was it.
As I looked into both of their faces, I felt an energetic crack rip open in my heart center and tears began pouring out of my eyes.
My grandparents were here to help me access the grief I couldn’t quite access on my own.
“We’re sorry we had to leave for some time,” my grandfather said to me. “We had to go away for a while, but we are back now. We’re here to help you in this process. We’re here to let you know...you’re not alone.”
I sobbed loudly. Tears flowing down my face, my head nodding in understanding, and the huge vast valley of relief I felt to be energetically held and cracked open.
They sat there looking at me lovingly as I cried for a long time, just holding space and softly encouraging me to “let it flow.” I knew their presence was the soul balm my heart needed to let go.
When my tears started slowing they reminded me that they would be here for this entire next chapter. I eventually said my goodbye’s for now, brought myself back to the room where I was sitting and my meditation cushion, picked up my journal, and started writing.
I cried some more. I finally felt the grief that had been hidden for so long. I felt her weight and I felt immense relief in a moment that would otherwise be uncomfortable...maybe even unbearable. I felt gratitude for feeling what I couldn’t feel before.
I felt grateful to feel my pain.
I’ve dedicated my life to helping others, especially women, get in touch with the intuitive side of life. This spiritual, magical, mystical, unseen side where our souls voices, spirit guides, ancestors, connection with Nature, and other beings reside. This side of life has been the most healing support I have ever received on my path.
While I’ve worked with many therapists, coaches, healers, and spiritual teachers for support, my most surprising and nourishing resource has been my connection with the intuitive world.
This connection profoundly expanded my own resilience, strength, and clarity, deepening the support I receive in a therapeutic, coaching, or healing container.
Knowing that we have deep support on the other side gently guiding our path, can support us to feel loved in even the most challenging moments. Because like my grandfather said…”you are not alone.”
He’s right. There is an entire team of support behind the scenes cheering us on, whispering guidance, and gently wiping our tears away in times of sorrow. And once we finally recognize and acknowledge this support, it grows stronger.
If you would love to develop a deeper connection to the intuitive side of life, I’d love for you to join me in my transformative course on practical intuition development, Intuition 101. Registration is open now and closes midnight, Sunday, February 3rd. You can learn more HERE.
much love,
Marci
PS. I’d love to share a FREE webinar on intuition with you. You can get it straight to your inbox HERE.